((OOC: Sirius makes his triumphant return, sometime early evening. And...well....sorry Em? ^^; Also, must warn those who read...it's LONG.))
Remus: The glass of the window was quite chilled in response to the outdoor weather. The light snow collected at the window sill and hit the glass pane, but for the most part passed it by...continuing a journey to the ground far below the Tower and Remus' observance. There was always something rather hypnotizing about watching individual snowflakes collect and multiply. The werewolf could become entranced watching the snow grow, and forget all that recently concerned him. Which didn't sound to bad at the moment...but sitting there staring at the window was a bit silly. Remus turned his eyes back down to the book in his lap, once again thanking the dorm for being quiet and allowing him this opportunity. An opportunity which he meant to enjoy until James and Peter showed up.
Sirius: Sirius hadn't announced his return, even to his friends. In fact, he hadn't actually been back long enough to have made any such an announcement. After parking his motorbike in its customary hiding spot, he'd rushed back to the castle, through the familiar corridors and to the tower and now, hopping up the stairs to the dormitory two steps at a time, he was nothing if not driven. If Remus weren't upstairs, he would check the library, and if he wasn't there... he didn't get the chance to finish the thought, because there was the one he sought, immediately visible as he reached the top of the steps, and seated at the window, looking down at a book. He took a brief moment to memorize that image before leaning against the doorframe and saying, lightly, "Oi, Moony."
Remus: And the momentary peace was successfully broken with two words. Remus was caught off guard by the sudden return of Sirius, having not anticipated it beforehand. At least not expecting it for another day, or at least at another hour. Then again... Sirius never was predictable. "And as suddenly as you left, you return." Remus said, lifting his eyes from his book finally to look at the other boy. He took a quick glance in to make sure there was no visible signs of being hurt, before giving Sirius a curious look. Conversations with him these days were always a surprise.
Sirius: Sirius wasn't injured in any particular manner. He looked a bit scruffy, his hair a bit messier than normal, and more than anything, he looked *rumpled.* Overall, he looked... better than he had, though a bit tired, and with the remnants of sadness lingering around his eyes. He shoved his hands into his pockets and looked up at Remus through a veil of his own, untidy hair. "how are you then, eh?"
Remus: "I'm not the one who disappeared in the middle of the night. Not much a question for me." Remus replied, sounding quite tired. He looked back down at his book, almost appearing to return to reading but in reality making mental note of the page number. After a second, he shut the volume and set it aside, resigning himself to the conversation at hand.
Sirius: Sirius laughed softly, though without humor, and began a slow walk across the floor towards where Remus sat. "...yeah well. Had a lot of rubbish going on in my head, you know? ...told you I was getting to that point." He shook his head and stopped just within arm's reach from Remus.
Remus: Remus nodded his head and glanced toward the window, "I suppose I should apologize for that. I just made it worse in the end." He said, glad to admit to that piece of guilt. Before Sirius had a chance to reply, Remus turned back to him, "Did your...vacation...help any?" He questioned.
Sirius: Sirius crossed his arms over his chest, and leaned against the wall beside the window. "Yeah. I went to see the Langleys... eh, you know, Rhia's parents. ...that was... bizarre. Hadn't ever met them actually, but... I had to talk to them, about her and... right." He stared at the ceiling for a moment before continuing. "Then I went back to London, rented a room and stared at the ceiling for a while."
Remus: "How are they holding up? I imagine this is all quite a horror to them.." Remus asked, in regards to Sirius' visit to the Langleys. He had to give him credit for being thoughtful (for once) in that situation.
Sirius: Sirius shrugged, staring at the ground. "Not so well, eh? I mean... bout as well as they could be, which is definitely not so well." He shifted on his feet, uncomfortably. "So yeah. That was a bit of a disturbing time. But it helped them maybe. Definitely helped me, heh."
Remus: "I can see where it would." Remus responded quietly, nodding his head. So the mystery of where Sirius had been was solved. Now the mystery of why he was here was another thing...
Sirius: "So," Sirius said, still looking at the floor, "Then I stared at the ceiling. Heh. And I thought a lot, which is, you know, never bloody good is it." He laughed softly, and raised his head at last, watching Remus closely.
Remus: "Which is where we tend to disagree on the thinking subject." Remus smiled vaguely, looking back towards the window for someplace to focus his eyes. He said no more, opting to listen to what Sirius had to say beyond that. ...Must be why he was here after all.
Sirius: Sirius stepped closer, standing beside the chair and looking out the window. After a bit, he put a hand to the glass and mumbled, "Pretty out there, isn't it? I could have collided with something on the way back, I was staring down so much. It's just so... bloody beautiful. Eh, I'm sure you remember."
Remus: "Beautiful?" Remus responded, question in his voice as his eyes focused on the snow covered landscape outside, "Actually...I don't really think about it that way." He revealed, shrugging his shoulders.
Sirius: "Yeah?" Sirius tipped his head to look down, towards Remus. "...so what do you see, eh?"
Remus: "Weather." The werewolf answered casually, without much more thought to it.
Sirius: Sirius laughed softly, and prodded Remus in the back of the head lightly. "Oi, that's so sodding utilitarian, all right. Not on. I swear one day I'm going to track your arse back on that bike and show you winter from above." He smiled a bit, more to himself than anything else.
Remus: "I can only imagine how cold that would be." Remus snorted, shaking his head at the very thought of riding that bike in the winter. "I'll leave those adventures up to you." He waved a hand absently, dismissing the idea.
Sirius: Sirius watched Remus for a moment. "...I could keep you warm," he said softly, and ran a finger across Remus' cheek lightly.
Remus: Caught off guard for the second time that night, Remus shivered and jerked away. "Merlin Sirius...don't you think you've gotten yourself in enough rubbish around here already?" He sighed.
Sirius: "Yeah well, wouldn't get myself in rubbish if I stopped fooling myself, eh?" Sirius threaded his fingers through a lock of Remus' hair, his mouth growing dry. "That's one of the things I understood, you know? In that innroom. Got my head on straight again, and then I knew."
Remus: "I don't think you understand at all, Sirius." Remus responded, removing Sirius' hand himself. He stooped to pick up his book, and got up from the chair. Pausing before he headed out he added, "You should probably go let James know you're back."
Sirius: "Right, I will, except I *do*understand." Sirius shook his head. "I can't do this, Remus. I can't bloody well pretend I'm not... *so* damn crazy about you and it's not going to stop, there's nothing for it at all. Just like I can't pretend I don't know you sodding love me."
Remus: Remus opened his mouth slightly to respond, but found himself at a loss for a decent return. There was a lot to say, but the phrasing was difficult. And in the end, anything said was probably pointless for Sirius was too damn stubborn. "And I too tired.." He finished under his breath. Turning his back on Sirius he decided he wasn't going to deal with this.
Sirius: Sirius rolled his eyes and followed after him. "Stubborn too," he said, "And bloody avoiding the issue! Always did that, you know. Remember I asked you, once, why you avoided it like it was going to bite you or something. You said you didn't. Which was all manner of not true then and continues to be now, eh?"
Remus: True to form, Remus' blood boiled a few notches warmer listening to the attack on his avoidance. Maybe it was true, maybe he was avoiding....but that was a matter of his own business, and certainly not Sirius'. Certainly not one to question. But a picture of self-control, Remus just shook his head and chose not to respond as he headed for the door.
Sirius: "I can't *do* it anymore, Remus." Sirius kicked the floor, and continued after him. "And you can't avoid the sodding subject forever, either! ...augh, James is going to *kill* me for bringing this up again. Yeah, don't care. Anyway, I can't. And you're *barmy* if you think I would ever, ever hurt you again." He quickened his step and drew up beside Remus. "Ever," he said, decisively as he stepped just a bit ahead and turned to face his retreating companion. "...lay the stars at your feet. In an instant. Just say the word."
Remus: Remus drew up short as Sirius blocked his way, looking a bit more frustrated with the situation. "Look Sirius, I offered you my comfort when you needed it. I don't know what you think I was doing, but I guarantee it wasn't any veiled hint or request for you to pull this again. If you're under such assumption, you should correct it and move out of my way." He said smoothly, hands tightening on his book.
Sirius: "Yeah well, didn't say it was." Sirius shook his head. "I know what you were doing, all right. You were being a good mate, eh? Don't think I *don't* know that." He stared at Remus for a moment, and then reached over to touch him, his fingers tracing Remus' cheekbone. "...it's not a misunderstanding. It's..." His voice trailed for a moment. "...it's what I've got to do."
Remus: "But why?" Remus implored, as his shoulders drooped tiredly. He made no move to remove Sirius' hand this time, almost as if the effort was too much. Any other time he would have held up much longer to Sirius, but a combination of events made him less combative. He still had words to argue with though, "And don't say because you 'love me' or something else predictable. If you did, you wouldn't put me in these situations. You might actually listen to what I'm saying for once."
Sirius: "That's bollocks, if I listen to what you *say* we'll never get anywhere real." Sirius smirked a bit, as if to lessen the bluntness of that particular truth. "And anyway, that is why. It's part of why." His fingers strayed down a bit, tracing Remus' jawline. "...it's also because *you* love *me.* If you didn't... it'd be different. If you didn't I'd have to stop wanting you so much, because I'm not *insane*, but you do. And as long as you do... I can't stop. I can't." He took a single, small, step closer to Remus.
Remus: "Then you're either mad...or impatient." Remus responded quietly. Countering Sirius' step forward, he took about the same size step backwards...a movement very characteristic of a game. A game in which he wanted no part in playing. Or at least, reasoned as much.
Sirius: "Offhand, I'm thinking impatient," Sirius muttered, "Not sure what that's got to do with anything, though." He stepped forward again, even as he ran his finger down Remus' neck gently.
Remus: "For all your random clarity and you can't understand that?" Remus wondered, pushing Sirius' hand away from him. Confessing what couldn't be understood held no rewards. "Maybe I ought to give you more time to think about that."
Sirius: "I don't want to think anymore," Sirius wrapped his fingers around Remus' pushing hand. "...Already bloody thought too much."
Remus: "Sirius!" Remus burst suddenly, when he found he wasn't about to retrieve his hand, "What the bloody hell do you think you're achieving with this?" Never before had he been met with such a stubborn advance.
Sirius: Another step forward. Sirius drew Remus' hand to his lips and kissed his fingers. "...are you happy?" he asked, softly, lips still brushing against the captive hand.
Remus: Remus' eyebrows furrowed as he tried hard not to concentrate on the lips against his skin, "How does that even apply?"
Sirius: "It's the kind of thing I wondered," Sirius said, then kissed Remus' fingers again. "...is Moony happy? Because you don't seem like it. I remember..." He stepped closer. "...how I could make you smile. You don't anymore, not really." He kissed the hand again, and whispered, "...I'm not happy either, you know. Can't be, not without you. Can't sleep. Can't do anything but miss you."
Remus: "Well...you should have thought about that before hand." Remus sighed, barely audible. His eyes were a mixture of sadness and exhaustion that were soon shut.
Sirius: "...I don't deny it," Sirius said softly, and took a final step to close the gap between them. "If I could take it back... if I could. But I can't, right. I can only change now, and the future. ...but it's... I *can* change those things, see." His voice grew softer, but filled with a quiet urgency. "...could change the world for you."
Remus: Remus brief silence demonstrated the difficulty he was having in bringing to mind certain things he knew should matter at the time. With Sirius so close, it was almost frustrating the way his convictions wavered. Things he wanted to say seemed pointless as his weakness was played. Maybe this was defeat. Opening his eyes again, he looked off in any direction but Sirius'. "And what do you want in return..?"
Sirius: Sirius finally released Remus' long-held hand only to snake his own hand, now freed as well, around Remus' waist. He leaned closer, his lips brushing against light hair. "...I want you. I've always wanted you," he whispered, and kissed Remus' temple, shivering slightly.
Remus: The werewolf shivered in response, his body's way of acknowledging certain desires fulfilled. His mind was another story. Conflicted in so many ways at the current time...and one certain thought edging it's way painfully in. "You're such a bloody arse."
Sirius: "I know," Sirius muttered, and kissed him again, just on the cheekbone. "...Merlin, I love you."
Remus: Remus pulled his face back away from Sirius' lips to the best of his ability in their current position. "No...I'm not asking you to agree." He muttered, focusing more on things that concerned him. More specifically, one matter that concerned him most. "I'm asking for explanation…"
Sirius: Sirius furrowed his brow slightly and ran his free hand through Remus' hair. "...I've already explained it as well as I can, you know? That's what the letter was for." He looked away, but only for a moment.
Remus: "Your letter included nothing on the subject." Remus replied, gathering that Sirius was headed in the wrong direction here. He shook his head, trying to bring this question about tactfully, "I'm talking about more recent events...more recent endeavors..." He trailed off a bit, hoping that was apt explanation on his part.
Sirius: Sirius frowned. It took a moment for him to clear his mind, which wasn't working particularly well with Remus so close and so present, but he managed to put together the inference. ...well enough, at least, to know that wasn't something he wanted to discuss really, at least not at the moment. But it did seem like a reasonable question and... He sighed. "...right. Her."
Remus: "Right. Vance." Remus confirmed, using the name to solidify the topic. He pulled away from Sirius' embrace, uncomfortable with the current setting, while maintaining a questioning look. He didn't feel the need to form any real questions on the subject. The name should be enough.
Sirius: "What am I supposed to say?" Sirius ran a finger down the side of Remus' face. Touching could be so addictive. "...suppose I gave up, didn't I?" he said at last. "...heh. Impatient."
Remus: Remus' eyes flickered as he struggled to comprehend something that made little sense to him. In the end, it was a losing battle. "I don't understand you.." He answered, knocking Sirius' hand away and taking a few more steps backwards. Obviously this wasn't the explanation he was looking for. "If you think you can waltz back in here and give me vague answers..."
Sirius: Sirius grimaced and shook his head. "I'll tell you anything you want. ...just don't..." He countered Remus' retreat with an equal distance forward. "...don't back away. What do you want to know, eh? What I was doing with her? Why I gave up? ...gave up because I didn't think you gave a toss anymore. I told you, Remus. If you didn't love me, I'd have to give up, and I thought... ...just realized recently how much of a blind *arse* I've been, and since then... heh."
Remus: "Playing with trust. Or people." Remus concerned, ignoring Sirius' request and taking yet another step backwards. He would have continued but he felt the back of his legs connect with what could only prove to be a trunk. Looking down briefly, he confirmed the object's identity. This was getting a bit ridiculous. "I don't know what to think."
Sirius: Sirius stepped closer one more time, feeling rather thankful for the damn trunk actually. "...You can think I'm an arse. Because, yeah, I know I am. ...don't mean to be, you know. I didn't even really know it, not really. ...I can change." Sirius slipped his fingers beneath his own collar and drew out the necklace he still wore and holding up the dogtags between them. "...James what you did with them, after I..." He had the decency to look guilty. "Anyway. Couldn't let them stay there. ...I mean... aw hell, I'm so damn bad with words." Throat tight, Sirius took a risk, pulled Remus closer, and kissed him.
Remus: Remus could do nothing but let himself be kissed. Torn it two, one side of him really didn't mind. The other, the more rational side, couldn't find its way to fight in the confusion that erupted from the mental battle. Yes...truth be told, he did love Sirius. But unlike Sirius, there were things standing steady in the way. Things that wouldn't properly allow his surrender. Only defeat.
Sirius: Sirius kissed him again, just to the side of his lips. "...tell me what you need me to do. I'll do it," he whispered.
Remus: There was a pause. Raising hands tentatively, Remus moved to grip the lapels of Sirius' jacket as he had times before. There were still things to say, questions to be asked, but they would be running in circles for days with no solution if things continued. Someone had to keep a head about their shoulders in this matter....and possibly save their sanity in the meantime. Remus dropped his head to Sirius' shoulder, "James and Peter'll be back soon.." He observed.
Sirius: Sirius closed his eyes and held Remus closer. He wasn't quite certain what was happening, now, but he hadn't been punched, which seemed like a fairly good sign... "...yeah, true," he whispered. "...love you."
Remus: "Are you hungry..?" Remus pondered, mind venturing into less complex territory at they stood there in individual confusion. "I can run down to the kitchens and pick you up something. You could lie down."
Sirius: Sirius shook his head and traced tiny circles on Remus' back. "...don't leave, yeah? Wouldn't mind lying down though." He looked at the ceiling. "...you could come with me." He smirked a bit, not entirely certain, himself, whether or not he was joking.
Remus: Remus smirked into the leather. Typical. "Right. How about you lie down...get some rest even...and I'll sit here quietly and read my book? I wouldn't be leaving, at least."
Sirius: Sirius chuckled and gave Remus a gentle squeeze. "...yeah yeah, being boring like that. ...eh, I probably ought to scribble some rubbish in the journal about being back and all that anyway. Don't want James having a fit."
Remus: "Excellent thought." Remus agreed, lifting his head and letting go of Sirius' coat, "You do that, then. And I will read." He gave a bit of unsure smile, not exactly sure where things were headed after that (or even where they stood presently). Right now though, there was comfort in not troubling over it.
Sirius: Sirius traced the curve of Remus's smile with his thumb, not thinking. He smiled a bit. "...yeah. ...you know, I could use something to read sometime, hey. I mean... keeps my mind occupied."
Remus: Remus nodded his head, storing the request for later thought. "I'll find something. Now...journal. You have time to account for." He tried not to sound to anxious for a moment's thought.
Sirius: "Right right." Sirius said with a grin. "...slavedriver." He looked at Remus, absorbing his ever feature, for a long moment before moving away.